Slices of Life
Stepping forward
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I’m still struggling, but I know I have to step forward on a path I wouldn’t have considered six months ago. Because it didn’t exist six months ago.
People all around me are walking on the paths of their choosing. I feel like half the time I’m desperately searching for mine. The other half I’m desperately afraid I’ll actually find it.
I would give anything, anything, to have my dear, sweet, loving husband back, but that isn’t possible, and that leaves me with a choice: to step forward or to stay stuck in the past.
I can stay in this cycle of grief; I can give up and only look backwards. Or I can decide that grief 24/7 – forever – isn’t for me or for anyone. I can decide to take tiny steps forward. For myself. For our kids. For our grandkids. I choose the latter.
I will never (not ever) forget the years we had together. I will always (as in the infinite always) love you. I will see you and be with you again. You will be there to greet me. I have no doubt about that. You are watching over me now. I trust you are. I talk to you daily. Our love continues to grow. I feel your presence and I know you are near.
But I can’t live in the past. It hurts too much.
We had a great run, you and I. I’d live my life with you a second time in a heartbeat, even if I knew the outcome. You were my everything. You still are. You always will be.
But now I have to step forward, into the unknown. The path we’d chosen, the path we’d planned on, the path I thought was cemented in stone no longer exists. It is gone.
I have to create a new path, even a new me. I have to forge new relationships and do the things you always used to do for me. I have to push myself and challenge my comfort zone.
You were the second half of my whole; that will never, ever change, but there is room for more living. And I have to pursue a life that goes forward.
Oh my goodness do I wish it included you. With my whole heart, I wish that. But wishes are for the foolish. Faith is for the goodhearted.
I have faith. I have faith in the future. In my future. I have faith in us. We will be there forever, for the long haul. Forever and always. I believe that to the core of my being.
But there is a reason why I am here and you are there – there are probably many reasons. And, if I am to fulfill my own destiny and purpose, I have to continue living here on this earth. Fully living, not just existing, which is what grief wants me to do. I have to step forward, sometimes inches at a time and find my new path.
I know I have your support. I know you will walk alongside me, every step of the way. I know you visit me at night when I sleep. I know you will hold my hand when I am afraid and that you will send me songs and birds and squirrels to touch my heart and buoy my spirit. I know you are rooting for me. I know you want me to do this – to succeed. I know you love me, now and forever. And you know on my end that is a ditto. A big fat unequivocal ditto.
Here we go. Let’s do this.
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright, author and member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
