Valley Journal
Valley Journal

What's New?

Send us your news items.

NOTE: All submissions are subject to our Submission Guidelines.

Announcement Forms

Use these forms to send us announcements.

Birth Announcement
Obituary

Current Events

Latest Headlines

What would you do with $600 million?

Hey savvy news reader! Thanks for choosing local. You are now reading
1 of 3 free articles.



Subscribe now to stay in the know!

Already a subscriber? Login now

An 81-year-old Florida woman claimed the second-largest lottery jackpot in U.S. history last month, opting for the quick lump-sum payment of $370 million rather than the $590 million lifetime payout. 

Interesting side note: A patron of the same convenience store actually let the winner cut in line. Can you imagine that? Out of the kindness of your heart, you let an 81-year-old woman cut in line to buy the winning lottery ticket. That dude’s Karma score has got to be astronomical. I bet you he’s a dragon in his next life. 

But what would you do with $370 million?

As the saying goes, money is the root of all evil. But it’s just a saying, and I don’t pay much attention to sayings because I love beating around bushes and tallying unborn adolescent chickens. I’m going to disagree with that saying and submit a new one: power, not money, is the root of all evil.

Maybe I’m splitting hairs here, as money buys power, but not all rich people are Satan’s incarnation here on Earth. With this revelation in mind, let’s have some fun and imagine what it would be like to win $370 million and the best way, in my humble opinion, to spend such a massive sum of money. 

Step 1: Disguise self as Bill Murray, deposit giant check inside a giant bank as soon as possible.

Step 2: Go through airport security still disguised as Bill Murray. You should get as much milage out of this as possible because, after all, when will you ever get to look like Bill Murray again? 

Step 3: Once through airport security, tear off face in front of TSA officials while screaming, “I can’t live with this lie anymore! It’s been me the entire time!!! There is no Bill Murray!”

Step 4: Bail self out of jail.

Step 5: Most lottery winners lives are ruined by the attention and power the massive amount of money brings. Head this off at the pass by calling a press conference and announcing that if there are any long-lost relatives from other countries that want money, crazy people in prison who want you dead because you helped the aliens win the war with the Chinese migrant workers, or career politicians looking to steal some of your spotlight, now is their chance. 

Step 6: Now that you’ve publicly exposed the crazy people hell-bent on taking your money, stand back and watch the court of public opinion do its thing. Congrats, baby, you just won a big battle.

Step 7: You and your money are now safe. Have all $370 million in cash-form transported to the most economically depressed region of the United States. Once there, load all money into the cargo bay of a large transport jet and make it rain money on the poor, the sick, the desperate and the homeless. Watch Karma score increase exponentially.

Step 8: Now that you are back to square one and have no money and no fame, rest easy and imagine how amazing your next life will be when you are Ruxanthor, King of the Dragons.

Sponsored by: