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What’s your superpower?

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Somebody once said, “Dan, you’re a smart, sexy, well-built, intelligent, educated man. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?”

Ok, so maybe “somebody” didn’t say that to “me.” Now that I think about it, I don’t think anyone has. 

Wow. Ton of bricks, right? Maybe it’s time for that gym membership and charm school after all. 

Anyway, if I had a superpower, it would be a little slanted and awkward. I’m a little slanted and awkward, so it stands to reason that my superpower would be off the beaten path. 

All that stuff like super strength, x-ray vision, invisibility and flight has all been done before, and flight was out to begin with because I’ve seen what happens to a bird when it gets sucked through a jet engine at Mach 2. 

Plane: 1. Bird: 0.

This leaves us with no options, and when you have no options, you have three choices. You can get creative, you can get desperate, or you can get creatively-desperate. Allow me to proudly present my creatively-desperate superhero superpowers. These may or may not have been adapted from my forthcoming comic book series, “The Average League of Extraordinary Joes,” patent pending.

My Ex-Girlfriend: Simply being in her presence is chilling, and when she puts her mind to it she has the power to make any room ice cold. However, while this is frightening, it is not her superpower. Instead, she uses her “I’m right and you’re wrong and boy oh boy are you gonna pay” unblinking stare to force polar bears and other endangered species to reproduce. She could have used it to combat hunger or facilitate world peace, but hey, that’s just not her style.

Skeezy Gary: Skeezy Gary has the power to make everyone within a 10-foot radius, male or female, uncomfortable. I once caught him sifting through and answering Craigslist personal ads. He’s so creepy I actually invented a new word to describe him: skeezy. It’s a mixture of sketchy and sleazy. In a skeezy man’s presence, you get the idea that he may or may not respond favorably to the word “no” in an intimate setting. Skeezy Gary uses this power to sit in on congressional hearings, putting most of Congress on edge and forcing them to work together ... or else.

Cue full body shiver, right? That dude is just weird.

IT Guy: Can fix any and every computer problem you’ve ever had. Uses this power to get a job at the NSA, leaks classified documentation which proves the U.S. Government is spying on its own citizens. 

See? Even creepy IT guy ex-girlfriends can be super in their own way.

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