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Slices of Life

Finding logic in an illogical world

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We are living in a serious world. I’m not going to write about this seriousness. Others have already explained things much more eloquently than I ever could. Instead, I’m shooting for silly this week. 

We’ve all had our fair share of serious in the last few months, and while serious is our current reality, I invite you to take a break for a few minutes to contemplate the illogical world we live in. Sometimes this lack of logic is seriously frustrating. Other times it borders on funny. And sometimes, especially if you over-ponder things, it makes no sense. There is more of this nonsense around than you might expect. For instance: Have you ever found it counterintuitive that the sun lightens hair but darkens skin?

Ever wonder: Does a psychic know before you get there that you are coming? Or, do they know what will be on sale at the grocery store before the ad comes out? Do they anticipate a car accident before hitting the road? So many psychic possibilities.

Also, shouldn’t the phrase after dark actually be after light? Let’s talk pizza. Is there anyone besides me that thinks pepperoni looks more like sausage than sausage does? This one really mixed me up as a kid in the school lunch line. 

Has anyone besides me been thwarted by those “do not remove” tags? Do they have a purpose other than trying to scare us into not removing them? I went years fearing the tag police would hunt me down and prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law for my tag removal habits regarding my bedroom pillows. 

An unexplained, yet universal truth: When my hands are dirty – with anything from chicken goo to mud – one of two things is bound to happen: my nose develops an extreme itch or my phone rings, or probably both.

Why can you buy reading glasses at the dollar store but are required to see a doctor and get a prescription if you need the ones that help you see things that are far away? Is seeing things at a distance more complicated or more important than reading?

Have you ever noticed that a small piece of popcorn looks a lot like a lost tooth? Why are objects in the mirror closer than they appear? Wouldn’t it make sense to make objects appear at the correct and accurate distance? Can we make this happen?

Numbers be damned: donuts and eggs come by the dozen. Hotdogs come in packs of 10. Hotdog buns come in packs of eight. You can buy a six, twelve or 24-pack of soda or beer. A pound of butter is four sticks. A pound of hamburger is one clump. 

One roll of toilet paper is practically never one roll of toilet paper. That would make too much sense. You have to read the fine print on the toilet paper label to know how many rolls you are actually getting. One “single” roll often has the volume of two, four or even six regular rolls. So when you buy 12 rolls, you may very well arrive home with the equivalent of 48 or 72. It’s like hitting the jackpot, but with toilet paper.

Speaking of toilet paper, I hit my own jackpot today. They had plenty on the shelves at the store. I bought my favorite brand – no more one-ply for this family. COVID be damned.

Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.

 

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