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I want a woolly mammoth

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Researchers from the Northeast Federal University in Yakutsk recently discovered a 10,000 year old frozen female woolly mammoth. The furry find was unearthed on the Lyakhovsky Islands off the coast of Northeast Russia. Experts are calling it the most complete, best preserved woolly mammoth of all time. 

Pretty cool, right? Stay with me, it gets better.

Even though temperatures hovered between -7 and -10 degrees Celsius during the dig, researchers found liquid blood in the creature. This means mammoth blood apparently has cryoprotective properties that keep it from freezing under extremely cold conditions.

Hey, scientists, come here so I can give you the best idea you’ll ever have. “Judge Dredd” in real life. Make it happen. 

Anyway, most in the media didn’t want to talk about Judge Dredd, which made me sad. What made me happy was that they did want to talk about cloning a woolly mammoth. 

I’m going to go ahead and skip the moral, ethical, logical and rational arguments regarding cloning. 

Instead, I only have two question: How soon can we make this happen, and how quickly can we get them into local pet stores?

The novelty alone would be worth it. Would you turn down a party invitation if the host owned a woolly mammoth? Me either. 

But it wouldn’t just be for parties. The applications are pretty unlimited. What if you trained it as you would a German Shepherd to be a guard-mammoth for your home? 

“Honey, don’t you think we should lock the back door before we go to Brazil for the summer?”

“No dear, that’s why we have Cuddles. He weights 14,000 pounds, stands 11 feet tall at the shoulder and has 15-foot tusks. If anything, I’m more worried about the burglars than the flatscreen.”

And you know how the NYPD has police on horseback? What if they had police on mammoth-back? New York City would instantly become the safest city on Planet Earth. 

I’m on a roll but I’m running out of space, so here’s a few more things to do with your new woolly mammoth.

Invasive weed management mammoth: Scientists believe woolly mammoths ate 300 pounds of vegetation every day. Adios, white top. You’ve just been mammothed.

Morning commute mammoth: While I’ve never tried it, I would think 14,000 pounds of hairy mammal walking down the street would be enough to deter even the most aggressive of tailgaters. Plus, 300 pounds of vegetation a day has to go somewhere, and the hood/windshield of that jerk in the BMW is as good a place as any.

Avalanche rescue mammoth: You know how St. Bernards carry a jug of whisky around the necks while looking for avalanche victims? A mammoth could carry an entire keg. 

Comfort mammoth: Experience a loss in the family? A house fire? Natural disaster? Have no fear, comfort mammoth is here! 

Military-issue mammoth: Giant hairy elephant with 15-foot tusks + kevlar vest + .50 caliber machine gun mount = victory. 

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but I’ll leave you with one final thought: Judge Dredd have been earth shatteringly awesome if it involved mammoths. 

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