Let’s spank some politicians
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Is anyone else sick of how the federal government doesn’t do its job very well? I am, and since I’ve got you as a captive audience, I’d like to make fun of them if you don’t mind.
Just to be clear: I identify with neither major party and voted for neither President Obama nor Governor Romney. I think both parties have some wonderful ideas, and both have some absolutely insane ideas. Even so, I’m still willing to hear each side out and come to a compromise because I’m an American and that’s what we do.
We work together to solve problems with the understanding that we are only as strong as our weakest link — hint hint, elected representatives.
So, as my own form of non-violent resistance, I’m going to speak the sad truth, point out how ridiculous that truth is, and then laugh mercilessly at our incompetent elected officials. I realize that premise is incredibly broad, so I’ll keep things simple and stick with one or two small issues.
Like, for example, this: Congressmen and women take home nearly $200,000 a year plus full benefits (healthcare, 401K, dental, vision, vacation, etc.) and a nice retirement package starting their first year in office.
And they vote to give themselves raises.
That’s a nice perk, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be awesome if your boss walked into work and said, “Folks, we’re putting this one to a vote. Who wants to be paid more for doing the same amount of work? No change in responsibility, just more money ... cost of living and whatnot. Show of hands, hold them high so I can count. OK, majority rules. Now, how much would you like to pay yourselves? Remember now, we have, like, trillions of dollars to play with and if we need more we can just raise taxes. Don’t be shy, this is important work we’re doing here.”
I’ll bet you that was the fastest vote in Congressional history.
You know what we should do? We should start paying politicians minimum wage and put together yearly evaluations of their work.
And maybe we should give them scratch-and-sniff stickers like we do with little kids. If they do something bad, like lie to constituents, taxpayers, other politicians and themselves, we give them a sad-face scratch-and-sniff sticker. It should smell unpleasant, like underfunded school districts that had to cut back on janitorial services because of what Congress did (#Sequestration).
That’s a bad government. Very, very naughty government. In fact, you deserve a spanking! Someone find me a wooden spoon, large piece of rebar or steel coal shovel. They’ll all do the job.
If they still don’t work together, we should give them a timeout and have a very serious conversation with them about what they’ve done wrong. We should be stern but loving because, at the end of the day, they really don’t know any better. It’s up to us to teach them right from wrong.
If they do something good, like pass a budget or learn to share, work together and/or generally act like mature adults, they get a smiley face scratch-and-sniff sticker. It should smell good to politicians, so let’s make it smell like money and the tears of the innocent.
Please understand, I’m not a revolutionary by any means. Revolutions are messy and usually result in massive collateral damage and civilian deaths. The fact that our Constitution is the longest-standing, still-working founding document in the world is a testament to how our system of governance works.
And here’s the coolest thing about democracy: we the people control who makes and enforces the laws that govern us. Nothing scares a government official like the mob who put him into office, and rightly so, because we control them. Not the other way around.
As wiser men than I have said, “I don’t want government gone; I want better government.”
Let’s make it better by working together and acting like the adults we want our children to become.
Let’s spank some politicians.
