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I hope there’s rock and roll in heaven

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Do you ever watch “Inside the Actors Studio?” I think it’s a great show, and what makes it so breathtaking is how simple the premise is. 

James Lipton, an accomplished actor, writer, composer, teacher and Dean Emeritus at Pace University (where the show is filmed) sits down with superstar actors and, very simply, has a conversation with them. It’s brilliant because in Lipton’s presence, the actors stop being superstars. They’re candid, open and honest. They drop the act, forget the cameras are there and talk about acting in its purest form — holding the mirror up to the rest of us and reflecting the best, the worst, and the in between. In Lipton’s hands, the actors become teachers and mentors — almost tortured souls trying desperately to reach the rest of us.

Lipton just seems to have a way with actors. It might have something to do with how he was a pimp in post WWII France. That’s actually true; I’m not making that up which, if you’ve seen the show, makes no sense. 

The guy is as stoic as granite. To imagine him running a prostitution ring is harder than believing former President George Walker Bush passed high school calculus. 

(Ooooohhh, sick burn!)

Anyway, Lipton finishes every show with a list of the same 10 questions culminating in, “If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you reach the pearly gates?”

This is my favorite part of the show, and since I’m not an actor and will never get the chance to sit in that chair at Pace University, I’m going to answer them here ... in my own special way, of course.

• What is your favorite word? 

Well Mr. Lipton, it’s a toss up between envelop, orangutan and buoy. I’d explain, but due to the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision on DNA patents, I can’t comment further.  

• What is your least favorite word? 

 “Ignorant” when mispronounced by ignorant people. So, “Ignant.” It’s sadly and or hilariously ironical, don’t you think? 

• What turns you on? 

 A Wendy’s Baconattor with extra bacon. Don’t ask.

• What turns you off? 

 Electricity. No, really, I have a deep-seeded mistrust of AC/DC current. It probably has something to do with the number of times I’ve been electrocuted . Explains a lot, don’t you think?

• What sound do you love? 

 Rock and roll, because it ain’t noise pollution. 

• What sound do you hate? 

 Silence after I tell a joke.

• What is your favorite curse word? 

 I don’t play favorites ... I love them all equally. 

• What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? 

Ben and Jerry’s taste tester. Because yum.

• What profession would you not like to participate in? 

Raw sewage diver. Because eww.

• If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

You made it just in time! Zeppelin is on in five minutes and Cobain is headlining. Here’s your backstage passes, and remember, have fun! After all, you only live once. That was a joke ... now get going or you’ll miss Stairway to Heaven.

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