Discord in the bedroom
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My husband and I have been wrestling with an issue that affects most happy couples at one time or another. It’s the between-the-sheets secret that causes irritation, frustration and sleep deprivation. You’ve probably experienced it firsthand in your own marriage. It happens to the best of us.
Snoring.
It’s like burping or farting: unappealing and unattractive, yet occasionally unavoidable for those of the human persuasion. It’s not a standard topic of normal dinner conversation, but lately my husband and I have grappled with the “S” word. (We sleep! We snore!)
Turns out we aren’t the only couple engaged in snore wars. The National Sleep Foundation estimates snoring affects 90 million American adults; that’s more than one in three. The conundrum, of course, is identifying the one from the three. No one wants to admit to snoring — at least not at my house.
One study found that 59 percent of people report that their partner snores; while I estimate that less than two percent of partners will admit to the snoring. The numbers don’t add up.
Like many things in life, my husband and I take different approaches to loud and unseemly behavior in our bedroom.
If he were to snore (I’m not intimating he does) I would roll over and ignore the noise while realizing there are many things much worse than lying in bed, comfy and cozy, next to your snoring spouse. To be fair, I don’t mind resting somewhere between awake and sleep, pondering whatever topic might come to mind in the middle of the night. And most nights I fall into slumber easily and stay there, even amid snorts and other forms of noisy breathing (were it to occur, ever, which it probably hasn’t, ever).
My husband abhors pondering. Once jarred from dreamland, he may toss and turn and turn and toss, refusing the dozing state as his body refuses to surrender to sleep. If I happened to snore one night (again, we are being completely hypothetical here) he might get up from bed and move to another room to escape the thunder. To him, that would be the logical alternative.
He isn’t the only one. All this snoring under the covers is causing mass exodus from the bedroom. Another study by the NSF found that 23 percent of couples sleep apart – many (46 percent) because of snoring.
I’ve never been one to let logic – or statistics – rule my universe. Sleeping (or lying awake) next to a snoring spouse might be inconvenient and even a little frustrating, but what is marriage about if not inconvenience and frustration? Inconveniences happen all the time in marriage but too often they go by different much bigger and scarier names. Snoring, on all accounts, should therefore be a piece of cake.
Besides, there are proven benefits to spooning with your spouse, and I’m not talking about increased forking. It decreases stress and raises oxytocin (the love/cuddle hormone) while increasing feelings of safety, security and warmth. It also decreases snoring (not really, but I thought I’d throw it in there).
For better or for worse. For richer for poorer. In sickness and in health. Burping, bed hair, morning breath and snoring. It’s all the fodder of a good marriage.
At least it would be, if either one of us snored. Which we don’t.
But you already knew that.
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. She welcomes having readers follow her column on the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
